infreefall | redacted ★ claude

(Ouch talk about a direct hit. Still, even if he's being called out, he can manage a smile, perfectly practiced and perfectly fine except for that fact that it isn't quite genuine.

Something about what she says... really seems to resonate him but he can't quite put a finger on it.

He's h̸̪̜̍͐̂id̵͙̂̕ing ██meth̸̝́██ǧ̷̰. No one can know w̶h̷o̴ ̷h̶͔͓̰̟̯̾̈̋e̶̖͙͓̣̟͖͕͗̈́̏͂ ̶i̴s̵̢̛̱̽̔͂͘. No one can know where he's f̸̡̧̨͓̭͛́̋̋rơ̷̙͓̎͌m̷̢̯̠͎̔. He pr█mised his parents. If anyone knew █ho h̸̢̧̢͈̳̤̣̎e̵̖͒͑͠͝ w̵̥̫̑̏̉͆͌̕as̴̞̽̿̃͂͛ then... then what? There's something there. Or rather, there's nothing there. Not where it should be. All he has is this other name and this memory of his parents. The last pieces of his t̶͚̓r̸̳̼̆̊u̵͇̬̬̥͗͑͝ḙ̴͙̐ ̵i̵d̸e̴n̶t̴i̸t̴y̶.

Ah, the more he tries to think about it, the more his heart aches like he's missing something but it's hard to tell if it's because of something he's forgotten or because of recent events.)

... Hiding who I really am, huh? (His tone is light and casual,) Don't worry about that.

(Because if this pattern continues... )

She was. (He can admit that muchh.) She had a way of getting me to spill the truth. Honestly? It was kind of scary.

We used to share stories. I would tell her mine and she would tell me hers.

(He'd told her a story once. How had it started? "Once upon a time, in a f̴̨́̎ā̵̛̲r̶̩͌̍ȃ̴̼̬w̷̭͔͂ã̸̢y̵̻̓ ̸̙̩͐͘p̸̠̞̅ḷ̵̽à̸̺c̵̗͌͜é̶̺̉, there was a young boy. This boy came from a despised lineage." Can you really tell a story without a setting? Without knowing the main character?)

Now she's gone.

(And she's taken parts of him with her.)

I will worry, whether you want me to or not, especially now that she's gone. That's what -

[ ḧ̴̛̭̏̂̏̚͘e̸̱͔̤̹͍̠̪͌̓̂́͂̓̈́́̑͠r̴̢̢̛͓̗͔̩̥̄̾̂͐̎͘ò̶̡̙e̶̩̦̝͌s̷̛̖͔̄̊̒̇̅͑͜ ]

...That's what I do.

You don't have to tell me stories or anything, Riegan-san. I’m not trying to replace her - no one can do that. I just don’t think you should be alone, or pretending you’re okay to everyone else. I...

[ she bites her lip, hesitating, and decides to just say it. ]

I don't think Hikaru-san would want that, either. She cared too much to want that for anyone, but especially you.

I can't stop you. No one can stop anyone from feeling.

(So trying to argue that is worthless. He'd rather save his energy.)

But I know we exchanged things. Stories, secrets... things about ourselves that we haven't really told others. I just can't remember them anymore. (And he shrugs,) There are things I told her that I hadn't told anyone else. Not even Hilda.

(One of his closest and dearest people from home. Someone he arrived in this world with. The words that come out next are spoken carelessly,)

I know I'm not alone here but I left her alone that night. I knew what was happening and I understood it... and I couldn't find her. We'd been there for each other for so long and when she really needed someone with her the most, she was alone.

(And this is really the part where he starts to kick himself. He has regrets.)

[ ...oh. so that's it. ]

Was it because you didn't look for her, or because she didn't want to be found?

By Thursday... she wasn't completely herself. We couldn't find her before curfew. Xie Lian, Hua Cheng, and me.

(There was so much to cover and when they couldn't find her... they'd met up and knew what would likely happen. That whole time, they'd both been thinking about it at the back of their minds.)

We didn't know exactly what would happen... but we had an idea. Either she'd get better like I did or she'd be dead. Even if we found her, we knew we couldn't help her but at least she wouldn't have been alone.

But you looked for her. [ that's the important part, in ochako's opinion. ] If the three of you couldn't find her, then she must have wanted to be alone, in the end.

I know that doesn't make it better, but I don't think you should blame yourself for something that was her own choice. If you all knew what was coming... [ and obviously, hikaru did, too. ] ...didn't she deserve to be able to make that choice for herself, when the rest were taken out of her hands?

In the end, everything was her choice. Staying without us, the messages she left, meeting her killer...

(There's really so much here that's bothering him the more he talks about it. Complaining that it isn't fair is pointless. There's so much out of our control here and trying to hold onto everything will just blow up in their faces but how come there are people like her that couldn't escape their fates in the end while he was able to live? Why couldn't he share that luck with anyone here?)

She's gone now and I feel like a part of me is missing with her.

(He misses her!)

And it's not just her. There are others too and I know I'm not the only one.

Then shouldn't we at least try to respect the choices she made? That won't make it hurt less, but I think that's the least we can do now, besides... trying to remember everything we can for her.

And we'll bring her back, no matter it takes. Hikaru-san and the rest of them won't be gone forever.

[ maybe that isn't much comfort. it doesn't change that she's gone now, and that it still hurts. but it's something, isn't it? ]

I don't think she or any of the others would want us to give up on hoping for a better end to this.

(Here, he's quiet. He's not the most open person in the world and right now, he really feels like he's said enough. It's time to listen to others and figure out what he wants to do with those words.

Respect the choices she made.

Bring her (and everyone) back.

Don't lose hope.

The pterodactyl in his arms screeches and takes flight briefly so it can land on his shoulders and snip at his hair. Read the air, Kaze-kun!! This is a serious moment!! Claude holds up a hand, trying to stop the dinosaur,)

... You're right.

(He knows she is. She isn't saying anything he doesn't already know. BUt... it's good to hear it from someone else.)

We'll see everyone again.

[ that answer, somehow, doesn't reassure her. for all that she's trying to help, it feels like she's locked out with everyone else. so she just gives a soft sigh, and goes to pick up her raptor and hug it to her chest. ]

I don't know how long it will take to get her back, or exactly what we have to do to make it happen. I just know that we will, one way or another.

[ she'd gladly give her own life, to make sure that happens. the rest of them matter more. ]

Until then, just - try to remember that you're not alone, okay? None of us are Hikaru-san, but we can still be there for you when you need it. You just have to let us.

redacted ★ claude

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