I won't, Miss Ochako. I will respect your wishes - it will not matter. [ xie lian squeezes her hand again, and this time, he smiles. it's warm, and going for reassuring, though it's... it's a little sheepish, too. ]
...But...I am only still alive in this Realm because I have not yet been successful in such an exchange.
Edited (xl your fourth wall. ) 2020-11-12 18:03 (UTC)
[ it takes a few seconds for the meaning to sink in, and with it, comes... relief, followed close on the heels by an overwhelming sense of guilt. relief, because xie lian is still here, despite the odds being stacked against him. guilt, because... it's selfish, to wish so strongly for one to survive when so many others could not, when she knows that xie lian himself would rather save anyone over himself.
the last thing she wants is for xie lian to die. for his own sake, for hua cheng's, for goat and the rest of their team, and for herself - her one, desperate wish now that shigeo-kun is gone would be that xie lian escapes the realm safely. there is nothing more that she could want.
ochako doesn't have a reply for him, or any questions - not yet. all she can do is lean forward to throw her arms around him, and hold onto him as tightly as she can, while he's still here.
it couldn't have been easy, shouldering a burden such as this almost entirely on his own. for someone with such a kind heart, someone who would do anything to help those around him, it must have been like a new kind of torture from the realm. if this is the only way that she can thank him for trying anyway, for taking these risks, then it is something she will gladly do. ]
[ xie lian's... not expecting that. the suddenness of the hug surprises him - his hands flex in the air behind her briefly.
...and after a beat, he exhales the breath he'd caught in surprise, and wraps his arms back around her to return the hug. the squeeze is tight and warm - xie lia gives very good hugs -- and he ducks his head, closing his eyes as he does so. inhale in, exhale out. heart as still as water.
the kindness of others is never lost on him. their compassion and care always touches him, so - though xie lian needs no thanks or worry for such a thing, he accepts the warmth of ochako's sweet kindness, anyway.
after a moment, he lets out a soft laugh, and rubs her back. ] Miss Ochako...
[ for all that the realm has taken from them as the weeks go on, there are two things from the early days here that have never blurred or softened around the edges. even though it feels like years ago instead of weeks, the sight of soo-won's blood on her hands, of his and xie lian's lifeless bodies in that station - they have always been crystal clear. ochako will never forget.
when that disturbance happened, she barely knew who any of the others even were. she'd feared speaking with xie lian and soo-won afterward, caught in the trap of wondering if they would blame her or chiron for what had happened, or if they would resent being the ones to die. of course, both of them were understanding and kind, but - xie lian had always spoken to her not as a sympathetic adult who only wanted to protect a scared girl, but as someone who understood. from their very first conversation following the disturbance, and every one thereafter, he'd treated her with dignity and respect as he conveyed wisdom wrought from his own, painfully familiar experiences.
she'd never liked how easily those words came for him. though he hides it as well as anyone, ochako has always had a knack for seeing when someone is trying to hide how they're feeling, and xie lian - he's always known, far too well, how she's felt when things have gone wrong.
he deserves better than this - better than having to blindly throw darts and hope he hits the target, all to trade his life for another, even if he must have been happy to have the chance at all. it simply isn't fair, not to xie lian or anyone else, but especially not to someone so kind. he deserves the world, for all that he has done for them here. ]
I want you to live to the end, [ she says, voice muffled through the embrace, but no less certain. ] Whatever happens this week... I want you to be okay. Let me help you this time, okay?
[ i don't want to see you die, either, xie lian thinks, a little desperately, but he keeps it to himself, shutting his eyes and keeping any reaction bottled down. how many deaths of people he's cared about has he seen over the years? (he cares about everyone, is the problem - every loss is just another pebble to toss on the boulder that rests on xie lian's shoulders.) even here, how many innocent lives have been snuffed out?
even the day when they went to the station - when xie lian lost control of himself, he'd still somehow focused on chiron. when he knew he was going to have to be killed, he threw his entire self into attacking him, because in his desperation, he didn't want ochako to be the one to be killed. innocent, young lives full of potential, full of hope - the fact that she even had to see it hurt him deeply. and now... now this, from a scared girl with a knife in her hands, to willingly accepting that she could be killed this week. to asking for it, to save others.
ochako had just said it - deaths leave behind collateral damage. xie lian is so used to not dying, and not having anyone, that to him, it has always felt inconsequential, so his loss wouldn't be so felt, wouldn't be necessary. to have the opportunity that he has has been a blessing, even if it has always failed. xie lian would throw himself in front of the line of fire for anyone, any day. and now, in a moment where he could protect someone, he is choosing, because she asked, not to.
it's a new and strange feeling. xie lian's not sure how he feels about it, but her words get through to him, and xie lian squeezes his arms around her again, turning his head and leaving his eyes shut, tightly. ]
...You have always helped me. [ his voice is soft when he speaks, something aching underneath - acceptance, pride, but pain, too. ] I am only sorry that I could not have done something sooner to prevent this from happening at all.
[ ... ] But I will.
I'll make it, and ensure that if you are chosen, that you will be brought back. I swear it upon everything I have.
[ she wants to ask how. how, in a world where it feels like nothing she's done has actually made a difference, how has she helped anyone? least of all xie lian, who has been letting her lean on him for so long.
it's not important, though. what is is what she hears in his voice, and she squeezes her eyes tight against the tears that threaten to well up in her eyes. there is no way to shield anyone from the pain that is to come this week, no matter who is targeted. but now, more than anything, ochako wishes that she could save xie lian from it.
still, the words warm her heart. it brings a smile to her face, as her grip loosens and she takes a second to just... commit this moment to memory.
just this once, if she can, she will do whatever it takes to help them all. ]
I know you will. [ her voice doesn't waver this time, held steady by absolute, unquestioned faith in xie lian. ] This whole thing will be over soon, right? So whatever happens, no one will have to wait for that long.
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no subject
...But...I am only still alive in this Realm because I have not yet been successful in such an exchange.
no subject
the last thing she wants is for xie lian to die. for his own sake, for hua cheng's, for goat and the rest of their team, and for herself - her one, desperate wish now that shigeo-kun is gone would be that xie lian escapes the realm safely. there is nothing more that she could want.
ochako doesn't have a reply for him, or any questions - not yet. all she can do is lean forward to throw her arms around him, and hold onto him as tightly as she can, while he's still here.
it couldn't have been easy, shouldering a burden such as this almost entirely on his own. for someone with such a kind heart, someone who would do anything to help those around him, it must have been like a new kind of torture from the realm. if this is the only way that she can thank him for trying anyway, for taking these risks, then it is something she will gladly do. ]
no subject
...and after a beat, he exhales the breath he'd caught in surprise, and wraps his arms back around her to return the hug. the squeeze is tight and warm - xie lia gives very good hugs -- and he ducks his head, closing his eyes as he does so. inhale in, exhale out. heart as still as water.
the kindness of others is never lost on him. their compassion and care always touches him, so - though xie lian needs no thanks or worry for such a thing, he accepts the warmth of ochako's sweet kindness, anyway.
after a moment, he lets out a soft laugh, and rubs her back. ] Miss Ochako...
no subject
[ for all that the realm has taken from them as the weeks go on, there are two things from the early days here that have never blurred or softened around the edges. even though it feels like years ago instead of weeks, the sight of soo-won's blood on her hands, of his and xie lian's lifeless bodies in that station - they have always been crystal clear. ochako will never forget.
when that disturbance happened, she barely knew who any of the others even were. she'd feared speaking with xie lian and soo-won afterward, caught in the trap of wondering if they would blame her or chiron for what had happened, or if they would resent being the ones to die. of course, both of them were understanding and kind, but - xie lian had always spoken to her not as a sympathetic adult who only wanted to protect a scared girl, but as someone who understood. from their very first conversation following the disturbance, and every one thereafter, he'd treated her with dignity and respect as he conveyed wisdom wrought from his own, painfully familiar experiences.
she'd never liked how easily those words came for him. though he hides it as well as anyone, ochako has always had a knack for seeing when someone is trying to hide how they're feeling, and xie lian - he's always known, far too well, how she's felt when things have gone wrong.
he deserves better than this - better than having to blindly throw darts and hope he hits the target, all to trade his life for another, even if he must have been happy to have the chance at all. it simply isn't fair, not to xie lian or anyone else, but especially not to someone so kind. he deserves the world, for all that he has done for them here. ]
I want you to live to the end, [ she says, voice muffled through the embrace, but no less certain. ] Whatever happens this week... I want you to be okay. Let me help you this time, okay?
[ is it selfish of her to want that? ]
no subject
even the day when they went to the station - when xie lian lost control of himself, he'd still somehow focused on chiron. when he knew he was going to have to be killed, he threw his entire self into attacking him, because in his desperation, he didn't want ochako to be the one to be killed. innocent, young lives full of potential, full of hope - the fact that she even had to see it hurt him deeply. and now... now this, from a scared girl with a knife in her hands, to willingly accepting that she could be killed this week. to asking for it, to save others.
ochako had just said it - deaths leave behind collateral damage. xie lian is so used to not dying, and not having anyone, that to him, it has always felt inconsequential, so his loss wouldn't be so felt, wouldn't be necessary. to have the opportunity that he has has been a blessing, even if it has always failed. xie lian would throw himself in front of the line of fire for anyone, any day. and now, in a moment where he could protect someone, he is choosing, because she asked, not to.
it's a new and strange feeling. xie lian's not sure how he feels about it, but her words get through to him, and xie lian squeezes his arms around her again, turning his head and leaving his eyes shut, tightly. ]
...You have always helped me. [ his voice is soft when he speaks, something aching underneath - acceptance, pride, but pain, too. ] I am only sorry that I could not have done something sooner to prevent this from happening at all.
[ ... ] But I will.
I'll make it, and ensure that if you are chosen, that you will be brought back. I swear it upon everything I have.
no subject
it's not important, though. what is is what she hears in his voice, and she squeezes her eyes tight against the tears that threaten to well up in her eyes. there is no way to shield anyone from the pain that is to come this week, no matter who is targeted. but now, more than anything, ochako wishes that she could save xie lian from it.
still, the words warm her heart. it brings a smile to her face, as her grip loosens and she takes a second to just... commit this moment to memory.
just this once, if she can, she will do whatever it takes to help them all. ]
I know you will. [ her voice doesn't waver this time, held steady by absolute, unquestioned faith in xie lian. ] This whole thing will be over soon, right? So whatever happens, no one will have to wait for that long.