infreefall: (Default)
URARAKA ★ OCHAKO ([personal profile] infreefall) wrote2020-09-26 07:09 pm
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dianxias: (196)

[personal profile] dianxias 2020-11-09 01:00 am (UTC)(link)
[ oh.

bad.

he lets the red panda climb into his lap, putting his hand on its head, but he and the ferret alike both still. ]


...Did you volunteer, Miss Ochako?
dianxias: (236)

[personal profile] dianxias 2020-11-09 01:49 am (UTC)(link)
[ oHHHHH BAD.

the ferret goes completely still, and then... slowly, it drapes itself around her neck, almost like it could crawl even closer.

xie lian himself takes a deep breath. in, and then out. ]


...You know, [ he starts, softly. ] I would have done the same thing, were my team's situation any better than it is. I hate the idea of having to continue this - that there is no choice is a path that feels cruel, and I would sooner sacrifice myself than let anyone suffer. But...

[ he can't. for goat's sake, he can't. ]

For you to volunteer... that takes an incredible amount of courage.
dianxias: (86.)

[personal profile] dianxias 2020-11-09 02:41 pm (UTC)(link)
[ he hates this.

xie lian lifts his arm to wrap it around her shoulders when she has to choke out the words, and he squeezes, tight. ]


...You know, you had mentioned to me that you were in a support class, but... the words you're saying sound like a hero, to me. [ his voice is clear and quiet, heavy with the emotions of his words - worry, sadness, but...beyond that, a deep, deep fondness. ]

To understand the picture of the greatest good, and to volunteer so selflessly... you are a hero. That picture of you has never wavered for me - you have only shown this character over and over, each week here that has passed by. To make your own choice to do such a thing is powerful, but...

[ xie lian squeezes again; his ferret nuzzles her cheek. his heart hurts. it hurts, but he doesn't show it. ] ...It is okay, to be afraid.
Edited 2020-11-09 14:42 (UTC)
dianxias: (226)

[personal profile] dianxias 2020-11-10 12:31 am (UTC)(link)
Those are wise words.

[ at the beginning of all of this, xie lian would've been the first person to sacrifice himself. if he'd known then what he knew now, he would've done exactly what jeanne did, down to the letter.

...but, he knows now, that there are people here who care for him. and... a lot of them. it's a strange feeling but one he's taken to heart, and ochako's words serve to cement it. so many people here care about her, and xie lian --

he knows he will feel the loss, and the hurt, and deeply. this is going to rock his world - even just hearing the suggestion did. ochako has become so important to him over their time here, that the thought of losing her, of her suffering, is...

xie lian shakes his head, and takes a moment to properly compose his response. ]
...Every choice you make, no matter what, will always have consequences. Choose not to volunteer, and someone else may end up dying. Choose to save someone, and someone else may die in their stead.

[ ... ]

I think Brother Goat said it best, today - we must be able to live with the choices that we make. Those choices, those sacrifices... ultimately, in a place like this, where there is no path away from the destruction that we have had to cause, there will never be an easy choice to make. Every one will cause hurt.

...But ultimately, the best choices we can make are the ones that fall in line with what we believe is the right thing to do. And sometimes... sometimes, it's hard to tell if the choices we make do fit with the right thing, or if they are worth the things that must be sacrificed. That answer is not always clear. Rarely do the paths we walk ever come fully lit.

Whenever I have done something here, I have tried to think of it that way. That the decisions I make, good and bad, are my decisions to make alone. Each impact that comes from those decisions is an impact that I must then deal with. Whether I choose left, right, or straight forward, I've learned to listen to the people around me and use that to guide me onto the right path.

To volunteer, or not to volunteer - if it is a choice that you feel like helps you do the right thing, whatever to you that may be [ although he doubts ochako's idea of the right thing is really different from his, ] and after all of those careful weights of factors and consequences, then it is your choice to make.

I cannot tell you what the best thing to do is. [ xie lian turns his head to look at her now. his expression is honest, serious...but it's warm, too. ] I can tell you that I will support your choices, no matter what - and that the loss of you would hurt me very much, but knowing that it will be for your safe return will help to ease that pain.
dianxias: (236)

[personal profile] dianxias 2020-11-12 03:45 pm (UTC)(link)
...And to make the choice to be the one to suffer has a great impact, but could very well save us all.

[ xie lian says so as she finishes. his voice is solemn, and heavy - xie lian is someone who does share his emotions, but for the first time that ochako has probably really, truly seen, his sadness drapes over him like a cloak, the weight on his shoulders an impossible, hundreds of years long burden. ]

I have been alive for so long, Miss Ochako, and... I have seen an unbelievable amount of suffering. I have done everything in my power to help save others from that fate, but I have not always succeeded, and... often, when I do, it is because I have put myself in the position of someone else.

[ there is... a long pause. ]

...If... there was a chance, that your place could be swapped with someone else's....

Would you want it to be?
dianxias: (11.)

[personal profile] dianxias 2020-11-12 04:22 pm (UTC)(link)
[ his heart.

xie lian squeezes her hand. for a moment, he is just filled with an overwhelming appreciation - an overwhelming amount of pride for her conviction. for this young lady. for this blossoming, wonderful young hero. ]


Alright, Miss Ochako. [ his response is clear, with that matching conviction. ] Your decision and determination have been heard.

[ hopefully... hopefully it won't happen - but if it does, it is by her agency. by her choice. ]
dianxias: (242)

[personal profile] dianxias 2020-11-12 04:34 pm (UTC)(link)
[ a beat, and then... ]

...I make it so because I would have offered myself in your place, and...were you targeted, it would have been successful.
dianxias: (55)

[personal profile] dianxias 2020-11-12 05:03 pm (UTC)(link)
I won't, Miss Ochako. I will respect your wishes - it will not matter. [ xie lian squeezes her hand again, and this time, he smiles. it's warm, and going for reassuring, though it's... it's a little sheepish, too. ]

...But...I am only still alive in this Realm because I have not yet been successful in such an exchange.
Edited (xl your fourth wall. ) 2020-11-12 18:03 (UTC)
dianxias: (219)

[personal profile] dianxias 2020-11-12 07:30 pm (UTC)(link)
[ xie lian's... not expecting that. the suddenness of the hug surprises him - his hands flex in the air behind her briefly.

...and after a beat, he exhales the breath he'd caught in surprise, and wraps his arms back around her to return the hug. the squeeze is tight and warm - xie lia gives very good hugs -- and he ducks his head, closing his eyes as he does so. inhale in, exhale out. heart as still as water.

the kindness of others is never lost on him. their compassion and care always touches him, so - though xie lian needs no thanks or worry for such a thing, he accepts the warmth of ochako's sweet kindness, anyway.

after a moment, he lets out a soft laugh, and rubs her back. ]
Miss Ochako...
dianxias: (107.)

[personal profile] dianxias 2020-11-13 02:20 pm (UTC)(link)
[ i don't want to see you die, either, xie lian thinks, a little desperately, but he keeps it to himself, shutting his eyes and keeping any reaction bottled down. how many deaths of people he's cared about has he seen over the years? (he cares about everyone, is the problem - every loss is just another pebble to toss on the boulder that rests on xie lian's shoulders.) even here, how many innocent lives have been snuffed out?

even the day when they went to the station - when xie lian lost control of himself, he'd still somehow focused on chiron. when he knew he was going to have to be killed, he threw his entire self into attacking him, because in his desperation, he didn't want ochako to be the one to be killed. innocent, young lives full of potential, full of hope - the fact that she even had to see it hurt him deeply. and now... now this, from a scared girl with a knife in her hands, to willingly accepting that she could be killed this week. to asking for it, to save others.

ochako had just said it - deaths leave behind collateral damage. xie lian is so used to not dying, and not having anyone, that to him, it has always felt inconsequential, so his loss wouldn't be so felt, wouldn't be necessary. to have the opportunity that he has has been a blessing, even if it has always failed. xie lian would throw himself in front of the line of fire for anyone, any day. and now, in a moment where he could protect someone, he is choosing, because she asked, not to.

it's a new and strange feeling. xie lian's not sure how he feels about it, but her words get through to him, and xie lian squeezes his arms around her again, turning his head and leaving his eyes shut, tightly. ]


...You have always helped me. [ his voice is soft when he speaks, something aching underneath - acceptance, pride, but pain, too. ] I am only sorry that I could not have done something sooner to prevent this from happening at all.

[ ... ] But I will.

I'll make it, and ensure that if you are chosen, that you will be brought back. I swear it upon everything I have.