the ferret goes completely still, and then... slowly, it drapes itself around her neck, almost like it could crawl even closer.
xie lian himself takes a deep breath. in, and then out. ]
...You know, [ he starts, softly. ] I would have done the same thing, were my team's situation any better than it is. I hate the idea of having to continue this - that there is no choice is a path that feels cruel, and I would sooner sacrifice myself than let anyone suffer. But...
[ he can't. for goat's sake, he can't. ]
For you to volunteer... that takes an incredible amount of courage.
The others... they've already done a lot for our team. They made sure we got the two kills we needed, and risked themselves in the process... It wouldn't have been fair to ask them to do it again for the other teams, too.
[ forcing a smile, she looks up and leans her cheek against the ferret. ]
It may not even be necessary. We don't have any way of knowing yet... but I don't want them to take the burden all by themselves. If this is the only way that I can help, then I'll do it.
We're still going to try to make it to the end, with all of us. But if we're being realistic... our team has the numbers. We can - [ the words feel like ash in her mouth, harad to choke out. ] We can afford to lose someone, when some of the other teams can't.
xie lian lifts his arm to wrap it around her shoulders when she has to choke out the words, and he squeezes, tight. ]
...You know, you had mentioned to me that you were in a support class, but... the words you're saying sound like a hero, to me. [ his voice is clear and quiet, heavy with the emotions of his words - worry, sadness, but...beyond that, a deep, deep fondness. ]
To understand the picture of the greatest good, and to volunteer so selflessly... you are a hero. That picture of you has never wavered for me - you have only shown this character over and over, each week here that has passed by. To make your own choice to do such a thing is powerful, but...
[ xie lian squeezes again; his ferret nuzzles her cheek. his heart hurts. it hurts, but he doesn't show it. ] ...It is okay, to be afraid.
I don't know about that. [ she murmurs, leaning into the touch. ] I think... that heroes forget sometimes, that they aren't the only ones who are affected by their sacrifices.
[ no one was ever going to be happy with the situation they're in. it just feels worse, when it's their own willing to give up everything, after all they'd done to help each other make it this far. the upset voices, the hurt and the worry in their eyes... ochako doesn't think even the realm could make her forget those things. ]
Even if it's not forever, even if it helps the teams that need it, volunteering will still hurt the people that care about us. Ignoring that wouldn't be fair to them, either.
I just... I don't know what the best thing to do is, when any choice we make will be so painful for someone, no matter how well we plan for it.
[ at the beginning of all of this, xie lian would've been the first person to sacrifice himself. if he'd known then what he knew now, he would've done exactly what jeanne did, down to the letter.
...but, he knows now, that there are people here who care for him. and... a lot of them. it's a strange feeling but one he's taken to heart, and ochako's words serve to cement it. so many people here care about her, and xie lian --
he knows he will feel the loss, and the hurt, and deeply. this is going to rock his world - even just hearing the suggestion did. ochako has become so important to him over their time here, that the thought of losing her, of her suffering, is...
xie lian shakes his head, and takes a moment to properly compose his response. ] ...Every choice you make, no matter what, will always have consequences. Choose not to volunteer, and someone else may end up dying. Choose to save someone, and someone else may die in their stead.
[ ... ]
I think Brother Goat said it best, today - we must be able to live with the choices that we make. Those choices, those sacrifices... ultimately, in a place like this, where there is no path away from the destruction that we have had to cause, there will never be an easy choice to make. Every one will cause hurt.
...But ultimately, the best choices we can make are the ones that fall in line with what we believe is the right thing to do. And sometimes... sometimes, it's hard to tell if the choices we make do fit with the right thing, or if they are worth the things that must be sacrificed. That answer is not always clear. Rarely do the paths we walk ever come fully lit.
Whenever I have done something here, I have tried to think of it that way. That the decisions I make, good and bad, are my decisions to make alone. Each impact that comes from those decisions is an impact that I must then deal with. Whether I choose left, right, or straight forward, I've learned to listen to the people around me and use that to guide me onto the right path.
To volunteer, or not to volunteer - if it is a choice that you feel like helps you do the right thing, whatever to you that may be [ although he doubts ochako's idea of the right thing is really different from his, ] and after all of those careful weights of factors and consequences, then it is your choice to make.
I cannot tell you what the best thing to do is. [ xie lian turns his head to look at her now. his expression is honest, serious...but it's warm, too. ] I can tell you that I will support your choices, no matter what - and that the loss of you would hurt me very much, but knowing that it will be for your safe return will help to ease that pain.
[ none of the choices here are good ones. they all know it, and that's what makes it such a hard pill to swallow. that's why they'd argued, and come out with no real answers or plans, because how can they plan another death when they don't know anything for certain?
if a team goes down to zero, then there's no way to revive them.
i think we all need to expect the worst this week.
the goal is to get everyone back anyway, right? so...
all of you stop jumping to your deaths.
it's hard to plan when there are variables we can't control.
the whole conversation echoes through her mind like a bitter song stuck on repeat. ]
I know I'll have to - to live, or to die with the decision, either way. I just... I hate that it's one we have to make at all, even if they'll come back in the end. And it isn't fair to - to ask a few people to be the only ones bearing that burden for us.
[ because there is no truly peaceful solution, it would seem. it's awful. ]
And... [ she bites her lip, but ochako has to be honest. ] I'm scared. Not just for me, but... for all of us. I - I want to believe it'll all go right, but we can't know that. And even if it does, getting there will be painful, and -
...And to make the choice to be the one to suffer has a great impact, but could very well save us all.
[ xie lian says so as she finishes. his voice is solemn, and heavy - xie lian is someone who does share his emotions, but for the first time that ochako has probably really, truly seen, his sadness drapes over him like a cloak, the weight on his shoulders an impossible, hundreds of years long burden. ]
I have been alive for so long, Miss Ochako, and... I have seen an unbelievable amount of suffering. I have done everything in my power to help save others from that fate, but I have not always succeeded, and... often, when I do, it is because I have put myself in the position of someone else.
[ there is... a long pause. ]
...If... there was a chance, that your place could be swapped with someone else's....
No. No one should have to - to volunteer for something like this, but... everyone here has already done so much, and been through so much. It feels unfair to ask anyone else to do it, especially if I'm not willing to step up myself.
xie lian squeezes her hand. for a moment, he is just filled with an overwhelming appreciation - an overwhelming amount of pride for her conviction. for this young lady. for this blossoming, wonderful young hero. ]
Alright, Miss Ochako. [ his response is clear, with that matching conviction. ] Your decision and determination have been heard.
[ hopefully... hopefully it won't happen - but if it does, it is by her agency. by her choice. ]
[ those words hit like a bucket of ice water being dropped on her head. suddenly, as she stares at him, ochako finds it hard to breathe. ]
What?
[ it's just one word, but it's a whisper she can barely make out through the cold wave of fear. xie lian would - no, he can't. he can't ]
But you - your team, it's...
[ it would put his team at risk, and he couldn't possibly do that for one person. but even if that weren't the case - how? how could he do that? ochako wouldn't be able to stomach it if - ]
I won't, Miss Ochako. I will respect your wishes - it will not matter. [ xie lian squeezes her hand again, and this time, he smiles. it's warm, and going for reassuring, though it's... it's a little sheepish, too. ]
...But...I am only still alive in this Realm because I have not yet been successful in such an exchange.
Edited (xl your fourth wall. ) 2020-11-12 18:03 (UTC)
[ it takes a few seconds for the meaning to sink in, and with it, comes... relief, followed close on the heels by an overwhelming sense of guilt. relief, because xie lian is still here, despite the odds being stacked against him. guilt, because... it's selfish, to wish so strongly for one to survive when so many others could not, when she knows that xie lian himself would rather save anyone over himself.
the last thing she wants is for xie lian to die. for his own sake, for hua cheng's, for goat and the rest of their team, and for herself - her one, desperate wish now that shigeo-kun is gone would be that xie lian escapes the realm safely. there is nothing more that she could want.
ochako doesn't have a reply for him, or any questions - not yet. all she can do is lean forward to throw her arms around him, and hold onto him as tightly as she can, while he's still here.
it couldn't have been easy, shouldering a burden such as this almost entirely on his own. for someone with such a kind heart, someone who would do anything to help those around him, it must have been like a new kind of torture from the realm. if this is the only way that she can thank him for trying anyway, for taking these risks, then it is something she will gladly do. ]
[ xie lian's... not expecting that. the suddenness of the hug surprises him - his hands flex in the air behind her briefly.
...and after a beat, he exhales the breath he'd caught in surprise, and wraps his arms back around her to return the hug. the squeeze is tight and warm - xie lia gives very good hugs -- and he ducks his head, closing his eyes as he does so. inhale in, exhale out. heart as still as water.
the kindness of others is never lost on him. their compassion and care always touches him, so - though xie lian needs no thanks or worry for such a thing, he accepts the warmth of ochako's sweet kindness, anyway.
after a moment, he lets out a soft laugh, and rubs her back. ] Miss Ochako...
[ for all that the realm has taken from them as the weeks go on, there are two things from the early days here that have never blurred or softened around the edges. even though it feels like years ago instead of weeks, the sight of soo-won's blood on her hands, of his and xie lian's lifeless bodies in that station - they have always been crystal clear. ochako will never forget.
when that disturbance happened, she barely knew who any of the others even were. she'd feared speaking with xie lian and soo-won afterward, caught in the trap of wondering if they would blame her or chiron for what had happened, or if they would resent being the ones to die. of course, both of them were understanding and kind, but - xie lian had always spoken to her not as a sympathetic adult who only wanted to protect a scared girl, but as someone who understood. from their very first conversation following the disturbance, and every one thereafter, he'd treated her with dignity and respect as he conveyed wisdom wrought from his own, painfully familiar experiences.
she'd never liked how easily those words came for him. though he hides it as well as anyone, ochako has always had a knack for seeing when someone is trying to hide how they're feeling, and xie lian - he's always known, far too well, how she's felt when things have gone wrong.
he deserves better than this - better than having to blindly throw darts and hope he hits the target, all to trade his life for another, even if he must have been happy to have the chance at all. it simply isn't fair, not to xie lian or anyone else, but especially not to someone so kind. he deserves the world, for all that he has done for them here. ]
I want you to live to the end, [ she says, voice muffled through the embrace, but no less certain. ] Whatever happens this week... I want you to be okay. Let me help you this time, okay?
[ i don't want to see you die, either, xie lian thinks, a little desperately, but he keeps it to himself, shutting his eyes and keeping any reaction bottled down. how many deaths of people he's cared about has he seen over the years? (he cares about everyone, is the problem - every loss is just another pebble to toss on the boulder that rests on xie lian's shoulders.) even here, how many innocent lives have been snuffed out?
even the day when they went to the station - when xie lian lost control of himself, he'd still somehow focused on chiron. when he knew he was going to have to be killed, he threw his entire self into attacking him, because in his desperation, he didn't want ochako to be the one to be killed. innocent, young lives full of potential, full of hope - the fact that she even had to see it hurt him deeply. and now... now this, from a scared girl with a knife in her hands, to willingly accepting that she could be killed this week. to asking for it, to save others.
ochako had just said it - deaths leave behind collateral damage. xie lian is so used to not dying, and not having anyone, that to him, it has always felt inconsequential, so his loss wouldn't be so felt, wouldn't be necessary. to have the opportunity that he has has been a blessing, even if it has always failed. xie lian would throw himself in front of the line of fire for anyone, any day. and now, in a moment where he could protect someone, he is choosing, because she asked, not to.
it's a new and strange feeling. xie lian's not sure how he feels about it, but her words get through to him, and xie lian squeezes his arms around her again, turning his head and leaving his eyes shut, tightly. ]
...You have always helped me. [ his voice is soft when he speaks, something aching underneath - acceptance, pride, but pain, too. ] I am only sorry that I could not have done something sooner to prevent this from happening at all.
[ ... ] But I will.
I'll make it, and ensure that if you are chosen, that you will be brought back. I swear it upon everything I have.
[ she wants to ask how. how, in a world where it feels like nothing she's done has actually made a difference, how has she helped anyone? least of all xie lian, who has been letting her lean on him for so long.
it's not important, though. what is is what she hears in his voice, and she squeezes her eyes tight against the tears that threaten to well up in her eyes. there is no way to shield anyone from the pain that is to come this week, no matter who is targeted. but now, more than anything, ochako wishes that she could save xie lian from it.
still, the words warm her heart. it brings a smile to her face, as her grip loosens and she takes a second to just... commit this moment to memory.
just this once, if she can, she will do whatever it takes to help them all. ]
I know you will. [ her voice doesn't waver this time, held steady by absolute, unquestioned faith in xie lian. ] This whole thing will be over soon, right? So whatever happens, no one will have to wait for that long.
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bad.
he lets the red panda climb into his lap, putting his hand on its head, but he and the ferret alike both still. ]
...Did you volunteer, Miss Ochako?
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the ferret goes completely still, and then... slowly, it drapes itself around her neck, almost like it could crawl even closer.
xie lian himself takes a deep breath. in, and then out. ]
...You know, [ he starts, softly. ] I would have done the same thing, were my team's situation any better than it is. I hate the idea of having to continue this - that there is no choice is a path that feels cruel, and I would sooner sacrifice myself than let anyone suffer. But...
[ he can't. for goat's sake, he can't. ]
For you to volunteer... that takes an incredible amount of courage.
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[ forcing a smile, she looks up and leans her cheek against the ferret. ]
It may not even be necessary. We don't have any way of knowing yet... but I don't want them to take the burden all by themselves. If this is the only way that I can help, then I'll do it.
We're still going to try to make it to the end, with all of us. But if we're being realistic... our team has the numbers. We can - [ the words feel like ash in her mouth, harad to choke out. ] We can afford to lose someone, when some of the other teams can't.
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xie lian lifts his arm to wrap it around her shoulders when she has to choke out the words, and he squeezes, tight. ]
...You know, you had mentioned to me that you were in a support class, but... the words you're saying sound like a hero, to me. [ his voice is clear and quiet, heavy with the emotions of his words - worry, sadness, but...beyond that, a deep, deep fondness. ]
To understand the picture of the greatest good, and to volunteer so selflessly... you are a hero. That picture of you has never wavered for me - you have only shown this character over and over, each week here that has passed by. To make your own choice to do such a thing is powerful, but...
[ xie lian squeezes again; his ferret nuzzles her cheek. his heart hurts. it hurts, but he doesn't show it. ] ...It is okay, to be afraid.
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[ no one was ever going to be happy with the situation they're in. it just feels worse, when it's their own willing to give up everything, after all they'd done to help each other make it this far. the upset voices, the hurt and the worry in their eyes... ochako doesn't think even the realm could make her forget those things. ]
Even if it's not forever, even if it helps the teams that need it, volunteering will still hurt the people that care about us. Ignoring that wouldn't be fair to them, either.
I just... I don't know what the best thing to do is, when any choice we make will be so painful for someone, no matter how well we plan for it.
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[ at the beginning of all of this, xie lian would've been the first person to sacrifice himself. if he'd known then what he knew now, he would've done exactly what jeanne did, down to the letter.
...but, he knows now, that there are people here who care for him. and... a lot of them. it's a strange feeling but one he's taken to heart, and ochako's words serve to cement it. so many people here care about her, and xie lian --
he knows he will feel the loss, and the hurt, and deeply. this is going to rock his world - even just hearing the suggestion did. ochako has become so important to him over their time here, that the thought of losing her, of her suffering, is...
xie lian shakes his head, and takes a moment to properly compose his response. ] ...Every choice you make, no matter what, will always have consequences. Choose not to volunteer, and someone else may end up dying. Choose to save someone, and someone else may die in their stead.
[ ... ]
I think Brother Goat said it best, today - we must be able to live with the choices that we make. Those choices, those sacrifices... ultimately, in a place like this, where there is no path away from the destruction that we have had to cause, there will never be an easy choice to make. Every one will cause hurt.
...But ultimately, the best choices we can make are the ones that fall in line with what we believe is the right thing to do. And sometimes... sometimes, it's hard to tell if the choices we make do fit with the right thing, or if they are worth the things that must be sacrificed. That answer is not always clear. Rarely do the paths we walk ever come fully lit.
Whenever I have done something here, I have tried to think of it that way. That the decisions I make, good and bad, are my decisions to make alone. Each impact that comes from those decisions is an impact that I must then deal with. Whether I choose left, right, or straight forward, I've learned to listen to the people around me and use that to guide me onto the right path.
To volunteer, or not to volunteer - if it is a choice that you feel like helps you do the right thing, whatever to you that may be [ although he doubts ochako's idea of the right thing is really different from his, ] and after all of those careful weights of factors and consequences, then it is your choice to make.
I cannot tell you what the best thing to do is. [ xie lian turns his head to look at her now. his expression is honest, serious...but it's warm, too. ] I can tell you that I will support your choices, no matter what - and that the loss of you would hurt me very much, but knowing that it will be for your safe return will help to ease that pain.
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[ none of the choices here are good ones. they all know it, and that's what makes it such a hard pill to swallow. that's why they'd argued, and come out with no real answers or plans, because how can they plan another death when they don't know anything for certain?
if a team goes down to zero, then there's no way to revive them.
i think we all need to expect the worst this week.
the goal is to get everyone back anyway, right? so...
all of you stop jumping to your deaths.
it's hard to plan when there are variables we can't control.
the whole conversation echoes through her mind like a bitter song stuck on repeat. ]
I know I'll have to - to live, or to die with the decision, either way. I just... I hate that it's one we have to make at all, even if they'll come back in the end. And it isn't fair to - to ask a few people to be the only ones bearing that burden for us.
[ because there is no truly peaceful solution, it would seem. it's awful. ]
And... [ she bites her lip, but ochako has to be honest. ] I'm scared. Not just for me, but... for all of us. I - I want to believe it'll all go right, but we can't know that. And even if it does, getting there will be painful, and -
I don't want anyone else to suffer.
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[ xie lian says so as she finishes. his voice is solemn, and heavy - xie lian is someone who does share his emotions, but for the first time that ochako has probably really, truly seen, his sadness drapes over him like a cloak, the weight on his shoulders an impossible, hundreds of years long burden. ]
I have been alive for so long, Miss Ochako, and... I have seen an unbelievable amount of suffering. I have done everything in my power to help save others from that fate, but I have not always succeeded, and... often, when I do, it is because I have put myself in the position of someone else.
[ there is... a long pause. ]
...If... there was a chance, that your place could be swapped with someone else's....
Would you want it to be?
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No. No one should have to - to volunteer for something like this, but... everyone here has already done so much, and been through so much. It feels unfair to ask anyone else to do it, especially if I'm not willing to step up myself.
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xie lian squeezes her hand. for a moment, he is just filled with an overwhelming appreciation - an overwhelming amount of pride for her conviction. for this young lady. for this blossoming, wonderful young hero. ]
Alright, Miss Ochako. [ his response is clear, with that matching conviction. ] Your decision and determination have been heard.
[ hopefully... hopefully it won't happen - but if it does, it is by her agency. by her choice. ]
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[ the sound is somewhere between a soft laugh and a sniffle. it's been a hard weekend - not just for her, but for all of them here in the Realm. ]
You make it sound so dramatic. We don't even know what they'll decide yet. So it's probably better to go on like normal for now, right?
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...I make it so because I would have offered myself in your place, and...were you targeted, it would have been successful.
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What?
[ it's just one word, but it's a whisper she can barely make out through the cold wave of fear. xie lian would - no, he can't. he can't ]
But you - your team, it's...
[ it would put his team at risk, and he couldn't possibly do that for one person. but even if that weren't the case - how? how could he do that? ochako wouldn't be able to stomach it if - ]
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...But...I am only still alive in this Realm because I have not yet been successful in such an exchange.
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the last thing she wants is for xie lian to die. for his own sake, for hua cheng's, for goat and the rest of their team, and for herself - her one, desperate wish now that shigeo-kun is gone would be that xie lian escapes the realm safely. there is nothing more that she could want.
ochako doesn't have a reply for him, or any questions - not yet. all she can do is lean forward to throw her arms around him, and hold onto him as tightly as she can, while he's still here.
it couldn't have been easy, shouldering a burden such as this almost entirely on his own. for someone with such a kind heart, someone who would do anything to help those around him, it must have been like a new kind of torture from the realm. if this is the only way that she can thank him for trying anyway, for taking these risks, then it is something she will gladly do. ]
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...and after a beat, he exhales the breath he'd caught in surprise, and wraps his arms back around her to return the hug. the squeeze is tight and warm - xie lia gives very good hugs -- and he ducks his head, closing his eyes as he does so. inhale in, exhale out. heart as still as water.
the kindness of others is never lost on him. their compassion and care always touches him, so - though xie lian needs no thanks or worry for such a thing, he accepts the warmth of ochako's sweet kindness, anyway.
after a moment, he lets out a soft laugh, and rubs her back. ] Miss Ochako...
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[ for all that the realm has taken from them as the weeks go on, there are two things from the early days here that have never blurred or softened around the edges. even though it feels like years ago instead of weeks, the sight of soo-won's blood on her hands, of his and xie lian's lifeless bodies in that station - they have always been crystal clear. ochako will never forget.
when that disturbance happened, she barely knew who any of the others even were. she'd feared speaking with xie lian and soo-won afterward, caught in the trap of wondering if they would blame her or chiron for what had happened, or if they would resent being the ones to die. of course, both of them were understanding and kind, but - xie lian had always spoken to her not as a sympathetic adult who only wanted to protect a scared girl, but as someone who understood. from their very first conversation following the disturbance, and every one thereafter, he'd treated her with dignity and respect as he conveyed wisdom wrought from his own, painfully familiar experiences.
she'd never liked how easily those words came for him. though he hides it as well as anyone, ochako has always had a knack for seeing when someone is trying to hide how they're feeling, and xie lian - he's always known, far too well, how she's felt when things have gone wrong.
he deserves better than this - better than having to blindly throw darts and hope he hits the target, all to trade his life for another, even if he must have been happy to have the chance at all. it simply isn't fair, not to xie lian or anyone else, but especially not to someone so kind. he deserves the world, for all that he has done for them here. ]
I want you to live to the end, [ she says, voice muffled through the embrace, but no less certain. ] Whatever happens this week... I want you to be okay. Let me help you this time, okay?
[ is it selfish of her to want that? ]
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even the day when they went to the station - when xie lian lost control of himself, he'd still somehow focused on chiron. when he knew he was going to have to be killed, he threw his entire self into attacking him, because in his desperation, he didn't want ochako to be the one to be killed. innocent, young lives full of potential, full of hope - the fact that she even had to see it hurt him deeply. and now... now this, from a scared girl with a knife in her hands, to willingly accepting that she could be killed this week. to asking for it, to save others.
ochako had just said it - deaths leave behind collateral damage. xie lian is so used to not dying, and not having anyone, that to him, it has always felt inconsequential, so his loss wouldn't be so felt, wouldn't be necessary. to have the opportunity that he has has been a blessing, even if it has always failed. xie lian would throw himself in front of the line of fire for anyone, any day. and now, in a moment where he could protect someone, he is choosing, because she asked, not to.
it's a new and strange feeling. xie lian's not sure how he feels about it, but her words get through to him, and xie lian squeezes his arms around her again, turning his head and leaving his eyes shut, tightly. ]
...You have always helped me. [ his voice is soft when he speaks, something aching underneath - acceptance, pride, but pain, too. ] I am only sorry that I could not have done something sooner to prevent this from happening at all.
[ ... ] But I will.
I'll make it, and ensure that if you are chosen, that you will be brought back. I swear it upon everything I have.
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it's not important, though. what is is what she hears in his voice, and she squeezes her eyes tight against the tears that threaten to well up in her eyes. there is no way to shield anyone from the pain that is to come this week, no matter who is targeted. but now, more than anything, ochako wishes that she could save xie lian from it.
still, the words warm her heart. it brings a smile to her face, as her grip loosens and she takes a second to just... commit this moment to memory.
just this once, if she can, she will do whatever it takes to help them all. ]
I know you will. [ her voice doesn't waver this time, held steady by absolute, unquestioned faith in xie lian. ] This whole thing will be over soon, right? So whatever happens, no one will have to wait for that long.